• Confidence

    Sage: If I was just 100% sure that I smelled good my confidence would sky rocket.

  • Productive Day

    One day while on school break…

    Sam: Sage, why weren’t you productive today?
    Sage: I was very productive, I watched an entire season of my favorite show on Netflix!

  • I only stabbed you a little...

    Sam: Ouch! You stepped on my foot.
    Sean: Sorry, but I didn’t put all my weight on it so you’ll be ok.
    Sam: “Sorry I stabbed you but I only put the tip of the blade in!”

  • The new meaning of cool.

    Sean: Sage, look at this, I have a cut on my hand.
    Sage: Cool.

    Dad: Did you just say it was cool that your brother has a cut on his hand?
    Sage: Yes
    Sean: She meant that she didn’t care.
    Dad: The word “cool” can also mean “not cool at all” now?
    Sage: It means “I’m not interested in what you are saying”.

  • Too many friends

    Sean had just had a tonsillectomy the week before and this occurred after his first day back to school

    Dad: How’d your day go?
    Sean: (quietly) People ask me to many questions even after I tell them I can’t really talk because it hurts.

    Dad: Your teachers or your friends?
    Sean: My friends.
    Sage: Well that’s what you get for having so many friends.

    At the beginning of the school year Sean had bragged about going up to anyone he didn’t know and asking if they want to be his friend.

  • First Day of Middle School

    Dad: How was your first day?
    Sean: It was great dad. Guess what… they have a bag of cheetos in the cafeteria for 75�!

    That’s the important fact of the day that needs to be shared?

  • All I want for Christmas

    Sage: All I put on my Christmas list was love.
    Sean: I did that once. I regretted it.

  • Ballistaphobia

    Sam: In PE we started football and a girl on my team is scared of balls being thrown at her. It’s call ballistaphobia.
    Sean: I’m not scared of balls…

    Sean: … being thrown at my face.

  • iPhones for dinner?

    Sam: Mom asked if I wanted her old iPhone but I told her I didn’t.
    Dad: Why not? Have you tried an iPhone?
    Sean: They don’t taste good.

  • Bacon house!

    My friend did a local commercial for a rehabilitation center called Beacon House. My son Sean saw the commercial while watching the super bowl.

    Sean: (yelling) Dad! Bacon House! Your friend Mike is on the Bacon house commercial! Mike went to Bacon House?! Did he get lots of bacon?

  • Pay attention and become famous

    Sean: How does Michael Jackson lean forward all the way and then get back up?
    Dad: Maybe he’s attached to a cable.
    Sam: Maybe he took a class in physics.
    Sean: Maybe he did take a class. Maybe all the other people in the class didn’t pay attention and only he paid attention and that’s why he’s so good at it.

  • When I grow up...

    Sam: When I grow up I want to travel. All the way from here to Maine.
    Grandma: It costs a lot of money to do all that travelling.
    Sam: If you travel for work does it still cost a lot.
    Dad: If you travel for work your work will pay for it.
    Sam: Then I’ll get a job that will help me travel. Like a con-man.

  • Death by Hiccups or Dad

    Sean and Sage are walking up the stairs
    Sean: Dad, I have the hiccups

    Dad walks past the stairs and then turns and roar’s at Sean and Sage
    Sage: Daddy, you scared me.
    Sean: (crying) Dad… you…scared… me…
    Dad: Do you still have the hiccups?
    Sean: (crying) no…

  • The Easter Bunny

    Sean: I love the Easter Bunny more than anyone. Except for God. I have to love God the most.
    Sean: But I wish I could love orange chicken more than God… and hot cheetos.

  • Meatball

    Sage: Daddy, this thing on my foot…
    Dad: Your ankle?
    Sage: My ankle looks like a meatball.

  • How to be a Princess

    Dad: How was your day today Sage?
    Sage: whining ugh
    Sean: Somebody doesn’t want to be a princess.

  • The S Word

    Dad: Are you kids ready to go?
    Sam: Let’s do this thing!
    Sean: Ohhhh… Sam said the “S” word!
    Dad: What? Sh#%?
    Sean: No, “stupid”. That’s the“S” word.

  • Ponies... just think of ponies

    Grandma: I had this song stuck in my head all day yesterday. What was it?
    Dad: Probably best if you don’t remember it.
    Sean: Just think about ponies and you won’t remember it.

  • Must be pink

    A conversation with the kids.

    I was walking with the kids on Cannery Row and we saw the ocean…
    Me: Look kids, the ocean, I’m going to throw you in and use you as bait to catch a shark.
    Sam: Use Sean, he’d be good bait.
    Me: No, I want to catch a big shark so I’ll throw Sam in the ocean.
    Sage: I want a pink shark.

  • Future Soccer Star

    Sean just loves sports. He loves them all. He loves to be outside chasing a ball. Of all the sports he’s played I get the impression he loves soccer the most. During a break in the action at his game a week back he tells me that he is the best player on the team.

    Me: Sean, don’t say that, all the kids are good, you’ve just been playing longer.
    Sean: No dad, me and Alexis are the best.
    Me: It’s a team sport Sean. You can’t win a game without the entire team.
    Sean: Me and Alexis can.

    We’ve got to work on his humility.

  • Too young

    Sean: Dad, I fell on the monkey bars and hurt my privates again.
    Dad: Be careful Sean, if you do that too much you won’t be able to have kids.
    Sean: Dad, only girls make babies in their tummy’s.
    Dad: Yeah Sean but… um… Never mind…
    Sam: Dad, he’s too young for that conversation.
    Dad: What do you mean? You’re too young for that conversation!

  • Pick My Nose

    Sage: Daddy, tomorrow mommy’s going to pick my nose.
    Dad: You’re mom’s going to pick your nose?
    Sean and Sam: Ewwww….. gross!
    Sage: No Daddy! Tomorrow mommy’s going to pick my nose.
    Dad: Pick your nose?
    Sage: Daddy, my fingers. Mommy’s going to paint my fingers.
    Dad: OH! Mommy’s going to PAINT your NAILS!

  • Huh?

    Sage: Daddy, when is mommy picking me up?

    Dad: You’re going to mommy’s house tonight but daddy is going to pick you up from school.
    Sage: Huh?
    Dad: You’re going to mommy’s house tonight but daddy is going to pick you up from school if mommy’s not done with her dentist appoi…
    Sage: Huh?
    Dad: Daddy’s picking you up today but you are going to mommy’s house after.
    Sage: Huh daddy?
    Dad: Today maybe.
    Sage: Daddy, when is mommy picking me up?

  • little...

    Jasmin: Ew, Sagey! You Farted!
    Sage: It’s, it’s just a little fart.

  • Yum, Dolphin!

    We were watching some Barbie Princess movie and there were dolphins…
    tv: dolphin sounds
    Sage: Ahhh! That’s scary.
    Dad: Those aren’t sharks sweetheart, their dolphins. They’re good.
    Sage: We don’t eat them Daddy!

  • Sage's Bed

    Sage got a beautiful bed with Disney princess sheets and comforter for her birthday (thank you Grandma). She’s been getting used to sleeping in it by herself.

    There’s a Toy Story poster of Rex the dinasour right next to her bed.
    The first night…
    Sage: Daddy, I’m scared of the giraffe.

    One night, after doing well a couple nights in a row, when putting her to bed…
    Dad: Sage, time to go lay down in your princess bed.
    Sage: I want grandma to take it back to the store.
    She always sleeps well once she gets to sleep and is happy about it in the morning.

  • I'm Allergic

    Took the boys to get a hair cut on Saturday.
    Hair cut lady calls Sean’s name
    Sean: Dad I can’t get a haircut from a girl!
    Dad: Why Sean?
    Sean: I’m allergic!

  • More Shots!

    The next day Sean had an appoinment…
    Dad: How was the doctor’s office?
    Sean: It was bad.
    Dad: What happened?
    Sean: I had to get seven shots.
    Dad: Oh, no… but I thought shots just tickle?
    Sean:…I lied…

  • Vaccination? What's that?

    Sam had a check up at the doctor’s office yesterday.
    Nurse (to dad): Looks like he needs a vaccination.
    Sam: Vaccination? What’s that?
    Nurse (to dad): So I’ll bring it in when the doctor is ready.

    Dad: ok, thank you.
    Nurse leaves
    Sam: What’s a vaccination?
    Sam: Is it a SHOT!?!?
    Dad: Yes, but don’t wor…
    Sean: Shots don’t hurt me, they just tickle.
    At the end of the checkup the doctor gives Sam the shot. He complains that it hurts.
    Sean: Shots don’t hurt me, they only hurt you Sam. For me they just tickle.
    Dad: Don’t worry Sam, the pain won’t last long. Everyone has to get shots.
    Sean: (GASP)
    Sean: (Look of horror) Everyone is getting a shot!

  • To the rescue

    We were dangerously low on milk this morning.
    Sean: Dad, how come you never go to the store and buy milk while we’re asleep.

    Dad: I can’t, there wouldn’t be anyone to watch you. If something happened who would save you?
    Sean: Batman and Superman.

  • Santaphobia

    Christmas Morning
    Dad: Did Santa come?

    the 5-year-old boy: No.
    Dad: Did you look in the living room and see if there were presents under the tree?
    the 5-year-old boy: No.
    Dad: Well, go look.
    the 5-year-old boy: I’m scared.

  • Dirty Baby

    the almost 5 year old Dad, if mommy had another baby in her tummy, and she eats, the baby will get all dirty.

  • Mean Brother

    When dropping off the 9 year old son at school his 4 year old brother and 2 year old sister scream good by to him through the window.

    Dad: You’ve got a great big brother, I like him. Do you like your big brother?
    Little Sister: I do!
    Dad: How about you Sean?
    Little Brother: Not when he’s mean.

  • Sean's First Day of School

    Dad: Are you excited about your first day of school?

    Sean: Not yet.
    Dad: Why?
    Sean: I want to go to mom’s first and then school. Then I’ll be happy.
    When we got to school he was excited. Took him to his class and the teacher showed us his cubby with a picture of a panda on it. He asked if he could have a lion instead. We put his extra clothes in his box and he showed the teacher his batman underwear. He washed his hands and was there in time for breakfast even though he already had cereal at home.
    The other kids were washing their hands and Sean told the teacher one boy wasn’t “washing his hands right” and that he was splashing water. He sat down at the table and told the teacher he was going to pretend he was eating (since the plate was there but no food yet). I told him to have a good day and his teacher said she remembered that he had a sense of humor.

    He seemed a little sad when we dropped Sage off but other than that he was great.

  • Dad: We’re going to my friend’s birthday party on Saturday. She’s going to have a pi�ata and goodie bags.

    the 8 year old son: Is she an adult?
    Dad: Yeah.
    the 8 year old son: That’s weird.

  • Lions and Tigers and Bears...

    We are going to San Diego next week and plan to take the kids to the zoo.

    Dad: We’re going to go to the zoo.
    the 4 year old: What’s a zoo?
    Dad: We’ll see Gorrillas, Lions, Tigers…
    the 4 year old screams in fear
    Dad: They’ll be in cages, they can’t get you
    the 4 year old: Do they have babies?
    Dad: Yeah, some of them will have babies.
    the 4 year old: Can I pet them?
    Dad: No, we can’t pet them.
    the 4 year old: Can I pet them with a stick?

  • Sibling Abuse

    Dad: Your sister is turning two tomorrow, can you believe it?

    the 8 year old: Great, now I’ll get hit by her and my little brother.

  • Fireballs

    the 4 year old: Dad, what am I wearing?Dad: Your soccer shirt with the fireball.
    the 4 year old: I can never make those.
    Dad: make what?
    the 4 year old: fireballs, why can’t I make fireballs dad.

  • Island Dressing

    Dad: Do you have lunch money?
    the 8 year old: That’s ok, my teacher will give me island dressing to make my cheese sandwich taste like a cheese burger.

  • Macaroni & Cheese

    This evening at dinner…Mom: Save your sandwich and maybe The Older Son will eat it for breakfast.
    the 8 year old: Nooooo….
    Dad: Shoot, I’ll eat it for lunch.
    the 4 year old: I’ll eat it for macaroni & cheese.

  • Superman

    the 4 year old: Mom, I’m Superman and you’re the girl.
    Mom: I’m Supergirl.
    the 4 year old: No…I’m Superman and you’re the girl.
    Mom: You’re going to save me.
    the 4 year old (smiling): Yeah…